Pumpkins? They're not even head-shaped. No wonder they look so odd when we carve out those faces! There are some who say the whole of Hallowe'en is a conspiracy engineered by the fruit and vegetable marketing board, designed to ensure healthy sales for farmers. Meanwhile, those of us who wish to stare at shadows in the half light can always see scary images if we let our imaginations run riot. Don't let a false, fearful projection spoil a weekend that otherwise looks set to bring you much joy.


When we dress up as ghosts and ghouls, do we adopt their personas? Are Hallowe'en zombies bereft of their own free will? Can those witches' wands cast real spells? We find it easier to display particular mannerisms when we wear appropriate outfits. Suits, for example, help us convey authority. Sparkly accessories make us feel more glamorous. But this weekend, you need not adjust your wardrobe if you want to convincingly portray a certain role. You just have to believe in what you're saying and doing!


If you were a vampire, where might you be naturally inclined to seek employment? Perhaps, if you couldn't be bothered to amass the necessary qualifications to be a neck and throat surgeon, you might try for the post of porter at a blood bank? Perhaps you wouldn't need to. Maybe you'd be of independent means due to an inheritance from your wealthy Transylvanian ancestors, This may be Hallowe'en but it remains inappropriate, this weekend, to read layers of dark intent into innocent situations and actions.


It is no longer appropriate or acceptable to disrespect spectres. The official organisation of disembodied spirits is petitioning the Court of Inhuman Rights, demanding full recognition of its freedom to haunt public buildings, acceptance of the Poltergeist's code of Practice plus an end to prejudicial exorcisms. Or maybe not. This is Hallowe'en after all. This weekend though, you may care to remember that no matter who you ask, the most you're likely to get is as much as someone else believes themselves capable of giving!


What was once a strict social order has loosened up. Goblins can no longer expect deference from pixies. Neither is required to kneel in the presence of Ogres. Giants, once trained to anticipate preferential treatment from the rest of fairyland, now find themselves marginalised. Why should 'big' be automatically 'better', especially when we consider how their large feet also leave a large carbon footprint? OK. Enough Hallowe'en musings. Just don't assume anyone or anything is 'too good' for you this weekend.


Remember the Adams family? How about the Munsters? We could all relate to these fictional dynasties because they reminded us of our own families. We may not have uncles who could illuminate light bulbs with their mouths or broomstick riding aunts but did we not have relatives who were similarly weird in their own way? Even once the costumes are off and the masks are lowered this Hallowe'en weekend, it's clear there's someone rather peculiar close to home! But they're not so odd that they won't respond to love.


What were those cackling witches stirring into their cauldron? Did their ingredients qualify under the stringent rules of the Food and Drug Administration? How did they manage when the spell book called for herbs than only grow in particular countries? How did they get round importation restrictions on various flora, fauna and fungi? Is that why some incantations proved unsuccessful? If, this Hallowe'en weekend, you want to work real magic, just use what you have close by. If it's not naturally in your heart, you won't need it!


Light must surely flicker if it is ever to imbue all that it illuminates with a queer quality. No ancient sage was ever blessed with a vision of future by gazing at the output of an LED. No carefully carved pumpkin ever struck fear in trick or treaters when powered by a fluorescent fitting. If we want to remain in a romantic realm we must keep a handle on our candle and raise aloft only the most natural flame. Events, this Hallowe'en weekend, require you to distinguish between the artificial and the genuine if you truly seek success.


Where are the werewolves? Why, with so many monsters, ghouls, ghosts, vampires, witches and zombies on parade, are our furrier, fiercer friends in such short supply? Perhaps because this year, Hallowe'en does not coincide with a Full Moon. Legends may allow those other beastly beings some precedent for being seen out and about at the wrong time of the month. But what is wolf without a moon to howl at? Don't watch for what trouble is bubbling over this weekend. Watch for where it may be brewing.


Gothic coffins, like any other kind of bed, need periodic attention. Those crimson silk linings must be frequently laundered. The brass handles must be cleaned with vinegar. Antique Mahogany requires beeswax if it is not to fade. It almost goes without saying, here at Hallowe'en, that appearances are important to many at the moment. But you need not worry too much about putting on the right kind of a show. Just as it is for a fine wine or a legendary Count, time is on the side of every Capricorn this weekend.


What are human beings if not dancing skeletons? Though those whose outfits carry a bone motif this Hallowe'en may consider themselves clad in fearful apparel, their suits won't scare many nurses and technicians who habitually operate X Ray machines. But then, isn't that the essence of most psychological discomfort? Rather than accept some basic fact of life, we allow it to make us squeal and squirm? This weekend helps you to see an old source of anxiety for what it truly is... and thus to relax!


The ultimate accoutrement for anyone seeking to make an impression this Hallowe'en, is probably a pair of spooky contact lenses. Costumes are all well and good but when we look into someone's eyes and see there, something we were not expecting, it can be a most disturbing experience. Not that this is a reason for you, this weekend, to avoid eye contact with anyone. Au contraire. Indeed, if you wish to defuse tension in any situation, build trust and restore peace, full, honest, face to face contact is surely the way forward.